My 19th birthday is this Friday, the 13th.
I thought about not asking for anything. I am 19 years old,
after all; I don’t really need presents. My mom kept asking me what I wanted,
and I knew it would make her happy to be able to send me a birthday present. I
asked for socks, slippers, and a Polaroid camera. I guess the socks and
slippers are practical gifts (this is Binghamton after all, my feet have been
freezing all winter). But I really hesitated to ask for the camera. I’ve wanted
one for the past ten years. But I definitely don’t need one. I already have a
decent digital camera. I’ve always loved the idea and appearance of Polaroid
photos, but couldn’t I get the same effect with an Instagram filter? The camera
itself costs about $60, and each photo ends up costing about $0.80. I feel kind
of ashamed when I think that each photo could vaccinate a child, or provided a
nutritional supplement to a pregnant woman. Why is it important to physically
preserve my college memories in this specific way, when that same amount of
money could have been used to save a life, so that someone could actually make
memories themselves? Now I don’t know how to enjoy my birthday present without
feeling guilty.
I thought about asking for something from the very useful
“Gift List” in A Path Appears. My
grandma usually gives me $50 for my birthday. It would be great to use that
money to give one child “a year of bedtime stories,” for example. But I know
that my grandma expects me to spend it on myself or invest it in my college
education. If I told her that I donated it to charity, I’m not sure how she’d
react. I know that anything she gives me technically belongs to me, but it
doesn’t quite feel like mine to give away. We’ve talked about this feeling in
class before, but what do you think? Since we’re not fully independent adults,
how much choice do we get over where our money goes? If someone gives you money
as a gift should you spend it how he or she would want you to, or any way you
want? How would your family members react if you told them that you gave away
your birthday money? I feel like my family would be supportive to an extent,
but they would also be confused and maybe a little annoyed. Since we started
this class, have you talked to your family about giving?
We’ve talked about some of these questions in class before,
but my approaching birthday has made me apply them to my own life. What will
all of you do when your birthday happens? Another thing I’ve heard of is to do
a good deed for every year you’ve been alive, so should I do 19 random acts of
kindness this Friday? I’ve looked around online a little and here’s one idea
that I like: https://moreloveletters.squarespace.com/leave-love-letters.
What else could I do? Is this as good as giving away money?
Dana,
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to some of the things you are feeling. The great thing about this class is that it has opened my eyes to new , easy and inexpensive ways of doing philanthropy. However, with this knowledge I have also gained this small sense of guilt similar to what you are feeling in asking for a birthday present that is nice but not necessary. Its hard to complete another online purchase or ask my for a new pair of shoes to replace my slightly worn and torn ones when in class we are learning about how some people do not have any shoes, or lack food, water and other basic necessities. Even if you don't look at the most extreme cases there are still people who lack proper coats to keep them warm in the winter while I have a variety of coats hanging in my closet for different seasons. I think most would agree that its important to provide yourself with the essentials before taking care of others--but it is clear that I have more than just the basics. So then where is the fine line between over indulgence and selfishness and still being able enjoy a present or other extra thing? Is being an active philanthropist enough of a reason to excuse ourselves form all the unnecessary things in our lives? I guess my greatest frustration is I do not know what right answer is or if there even is an answer. On one hand I believe that it is ok to indulge in things from time to time but then how do you overcome that feeling and knowledge that you expressed in your example of the polaroid pictures.
As for your second dilemma, I see no problem in spending a present on a charity of your choice. Usually the purpose of a monetary gift is to give you the opportunity to get something you would like/ makes you happy. If that gratification comes from donating it then I do not see why it should matter how you spent it. Also, although money from a gift was not physically earned by you I think that once you get a present it does because yours and therefore I do not see a parallel between giving away others money and giving away a present.
Hi Dana,
ReplyDeleteI completely understand your dilemma. As someone who, before taking this class, never fully explored what it means to be a philanthropist, I also now find myself being far more aware of my money and how I could be using it to help others.
Your example of feeling guilty about wanting the camera reminded me a bit of our discussion on Peter Singer's argument that if you can donate to a cause without giving up something nearly as important, you should. I recall many of us struggling with this concept, especially because of that "nearly as important" part. Clearly, helping others is something you value, but does that mean you have to give up something that you worked for? Or something that you've been dreaming of having for so long?
Personally, I don't think so. I think it's admirable that you have given as much thought as you have to the situation. Where many others would have asked for the camera with no hesitation, you've taken the time to think of how such a seemingly small decision could affect others. I think you have every right to want and ask for the camera (it is your birthday, after all!).
I understand the importance of using what you have to help others, but I don't believe in making yourself miserable doing it. I think we are able to give what we can, but also treat ourselves too. So, what you do with either your camera or whatever money grandma gives you is completely your choice.
Hi Dana,
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean about that feeling of like you don't own birthday money. It's someone else's money given to you so that you could prosper in some way or another. I remember when my aunt gave me money and I swear I walked around with that money trying to figure out how to use it! I felt guilty if I bought something for only myself and didn't get anything for my siblings or if I went to church and they asked to give money to another orphanage. I wouldn't have mind spending that money on such causes when I was young (and before taking this class which makes it very frustrating to spend money on anything without feeling guilty). Truthfully I thought that money was a burden. It felt like weight sitting in my pocket just taunting me. After a while as I understood the concept of money and how important it was to certain families, I almost felt guilty receiving that money. I would tell me dad to not cash in checks if they seemed like an "unreasonable amount to give a child that has no need for the money". It was a stressful time in general. But after realizing that the reason I don't like receiving money for myself is because I was brought up with the principle of "giving to others is better than having money you don't need". That is when I started to structure my birthdays differently. I started to work as a youth advocate for UNAUSA and that is when I met Hannah Salwen (yes the one from The Power of Half). Hannah and I spent a great many days with hundreds of other young girls trying to make a difference using simple instances like a birthday. Hannah, in a way was encouraging people to use their birthday as a fundraiser but I knew that I didn't want to take the route. I understood my parents worked hard for what they got and the idea of "giving it to a stranger" was hard for them to comprehend. That is when I realized what I wanted for my birthday was to celebrate my birthday with family while doing something we all considered "fulfilling". That is when I convinced my family to do the color run. Dear god, my parents were so hopelessly confused but we went through with it. But we raised money to help an organization dedicated to researching cures for cancer as a family. It was even more special because it was in honor of a friend who had passed away a few months earlier. The money that would have been mine was redirected to help other. I realized that my parents give me everything I need and sometimes what I want. And they do this everyday and a birthday is just another day technically. I felt no loss truthfully. I think this is something that many are probably not able to do but it was something that I did to reconcile what I believed in while celebrating the life I have with the people I love. But now I realize that that is selfish too. I agree with a lot of people writing for your post. There shouldn't be any reason for you having to feel guilty at all. Gifts are not meant to make you feel burdened! They should be appreciated! People harass you because they think you deserve some spoiling! And sometimes we all do. We overthink a lot of things and then take for granted the reason why people try to give us stuff for days like birthdays. We matter too. I think every human is entitled to have time to leisure and accept and appreciate the things we have and are given (it's a right according to the UN articles). There are just somethings that have an intrinsic value that helps us remember who we are and how we are cared about and that is something we shouldn't take for granted ever. Enjoy your camera. Enjoy the moments you capture and most of all not feel guilty for something that will have a great value sooner than we all think! Happy Early Birthday :)
Hey Dana! Thanks for a great post. I have thought about things similarly recently, in particular what my sisters would say if I asked for them to bed nets instead of presents for my next birthday. How would they react? Would they respect that request, or would they just ignore my request and tell me it’s my day. After considering what they may say I tend to move towards Rena’s logic of “… the purpose of a monetary gift is to give you the opportunity to get something [that] makes you happy. If that gratification comes from donating it then I do not see why it should matter how you spen[d] it.” Once they give it to us, it’s ours, but I feel like they still care enough to know about where it goes. It reminds me of the reluctancy. we have to giving to a charity we are unsure about where they will be spending it. In both situations, it is not necessarily that we don’t find the cause important, but there is the concern of it being spent in the most effective way possible. I think we need to look past this feeling of discomfort and consider why we feel this way. After reflecting, I think that the bigger challenge haunting us is “how does philanthropy fit into my life?” We all know it belongs somewhere in our lives or we would not have enrolled in this course, but it’s hard finding that right place and balance. What is enough and what is too much?
ReplyDeleteAs far as your birthday goes, decide what makes you the happiest. Maybe that means splitting your grandma’s birthday present and telling her about the new item you bought yourself with some of the money and maybe not mentioning the donation you made with the other portion. Maybe it means telling her about a necklace you bought yourself from The Giving Keys (http://www.thegivingkeys.com), and not mentioning what eventually happens to the key or the social cause behind the key. Maybe that means spending the whole thing on someone else. Or maybe it means spending the whole thing on yourself. Maybe you’ll spend the whole thing on yourself at a B-Corporation (http://www.bcorporation.net is a really cool website I found after we spoke about B-corps in class and it helps navigate you through many of the choices). Figure out which has the most value to you. Just as we want to see our money make a positive change in someone’s life, your grandma is probably giving you the money to help bring you more positivity in your life. Remember that the choice is yours, but to bring others happiness, you must be able to figure out what makes you happy as well.
Happy Birthday! ☺
Dana - Interesting post! I agree with Rena in that this class has opened my eyes to the simple ways that you can give back to your community but, in this sense, you do experience a sense of guilt because it is that easy and harmless to you to give back, even if you cut down on eating out to only once a week or you consciously make the decision to not buy a brand new shirt. But, to answer the questions you posed, I think there is a balance to experiencing that guilt and making an effort to to be aware of the problems in your community and giving back, even in small amounts, is possible to do without completely giving up on the things you love. In terms of your dilemma of buying the brand new camera, it seems to be a one-time splurge that you've thought about for awhile. I think that making a purchase of that nature is more than ok, especially since you are celebrating a birthday. However, spending money in this way on a daily basis, with the knowledge that your money can go somewhere much more useful, is up for debate. Furthermore, I agree with Rena in that there may not be a right answer to your question; it's all about the moral ethics of philanthropy and even that is something that is widely contested. With that being said, I like the idea of doing little random acts of kindness. I feel like people should be trying to do these everyday, but if you find it too difficult to do that then a birthday, or some event or holiday that tends to be more "selfish", is a great opportunity to turn it into something "self-less". Something that I've seen around campus, especially during finals week, are little encouraging post-it notes that put a smile on your face or inspire you to be more positive. With the website that you linked, I find some similarities to that idea, and i think the general act of spreading happiness and positivity and encouragement is something that won't set you back personally and still make someone's day that much better.
ReplyDeleteHi Dana,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, happy birthday! I think your point raised a really interesting point about our society and its excesses. For most of our birthdays, we hope, if not expect, to receive gifts from our family and friends that cater mostly to our selfish desires. For you to even consider the fact that your relatively inexpensive gift should be greedy of you is really admirable, and I think your ponderings about donating the birthday money your grandma gifts you are actually quite founded. People who give gifts, relatives in particular, tend to have a certain expectation for how they will be received. I know that when my grandparents gave me a sizable graduation present, they expected it to be put towards my college tuition, and if it were dedicated otherwise, they probably would have been disappointed in me.
That being said, I do think that once a gift has been given, especially if it is one of a small size like $50, it is yours with which to do what you please. I think a solution that might have actually made your grandmother happier while also allowing you to donate the money blamelessly is if instead of donating the money after it was gifted to you, you could instead say that for your birthday you wanted a charitable donation made on your behalf. For whatever reason, I feel like being more involved with the process, although you might still be the one picking where the money is going, generally makes people feel better about themselves, and more comfortable with your choice for their gift. Also, if you asked for that charitable donation to be your birthday gift, you might make your grandmother think that she too should donate money to your cause. In this case, by promoting your cause and letting people who care about you know that it is important to you; you may increase the size of the donation.
To answer your question about where our money goes due to our status as not fully independent adults, I think that any money we make personally by working or receiving as a gift is ours to decide. We live on our own now; many of us pay our own rent, buy our own groceries, and decide where the leftover goes. While we may not be 100% independent, we are awfully close, and if we don’t learn how to make these tough decisions by ourselves now, when will we?
I really liked the love letters link, too. I am always a big proponent of doing something other than giving away money, especially at our stage in life. I think it will create a more personal connection for you, and although I earlier called $50 a small sum of money, when you are buying your own groceries at first, that may actually be a huge help. Doing something like writing sweet anonymous letters to cheer people up is a great idea; you also might consider involving your family in a volunteer activity as a “birthday wish”! I don’t think that on your birthday you should put too much thought into being selfish. However, you raised great points and this post really made me think. Have a great day on Friday!
Dana-
ReplyDelete(part 1)
I LOVE this post! I think it really captures your character and shows that you are truly a kind person. As I was looking through the blog posts this week and which to place my input on, yours definitely resonated with me the most. As my birthday is March 24th I too am receiving calls from my mom asking what I want on this special day. It’s going to be my 21t birthday so my mom keeps emphasizing that this gift should be more extravagant and something I will have for the rest of my life. Then she goes onto telling me about the fur coat she received for her 21st birthday that she still owns (which makes me cringe). She has been asking me for a few months what I want and I think I am so hesitant due to the same reasons you are. There are so many people who barely have enough for basic needs and I am sitting here and supposed to not only receive, but REQUEST an extravagant gift!? Why is a number more significant than those struggling around us? What is so important about turning 21 when there are people around the world who have a very low chance of even making it to 21 due to the challenges they face with poverty, hunger, disease or even abuse. Your post really got me thinking about this and I too want to do something nonconventional rather than receive a gift I don’t truly need. I have a little more time to ponder this question than you do, so I will really be keeping this in mind and I appreciate you bringing up this idea.
(part 2)
ReplyDeleteI would like to touch upon the point you made about feeling guilty about giving away money you receive from your grandmother as a gift because it is not yours to give away. It’s interesting to think about because in a way the money we are giving away in this class is not ours either and had we not enrolled in this class we would have no say in where it goes. Is merely being eligible to register for classes earlier than other students a fair way to judge this money as ours? I also feel a sense of guilt when I use my parent’s money to benefit others or myself. I’m sure you have all heard about the accident that occurred this Parade Day involving a driver under the influence steering off the road onto a sidewalk and injuring two innocent girls. Both girls were visiting friends this weekend when they were struck by the car, experiencing minor and very serious injuries. One girl, the better off of the two, is struggling with hip and knee injuries. The other girl unfortunately had to have part of her leg amputated as she was trapped between the vehicle and the wall next to her. These girls are my boyfriend’s friends from home and unfortunately experiencing life-changing difficulties due to the negligence of someone who should not have been behind the wheel of the car. Yesterday, a campaign was started to help support the girl who will now need a prosthetic leg to help support her family and medical bills. Of course, having met these girls numerous times I felt compelled to share the post on my Facebook and with my sororities listserv, but it didn’t feel like enough. Although I knew I was going to donate money, I hesitated. I felt compelled to call my parents to make sure it was okay with them, although I obviously knew the answer before I had even called. At the end of the day it really isn’t my money to be giving away. Yes I have a debit card, and no my parents do not track every little thing I spend money on, but why was I more inclined to ask their permission for spending money on a good cause rather than when I went to the Oakdale Mall last weekend?
Often times it is difficult for us to know where to give in the community. We also want to give to things that we find important and will make a change. I know it is hard to argue that this girl is more important than others struggling in the community, because that is not the case. However, this impacted our community and is a great place to give if you are looking for a cause. I do not want any of you to feel inclined to donate in any way, but I saw this as a great opportunity to spread awareness.
http://www.gofundme.com/MeghanMadden?fb_action_ids=10205900712178150&fb_action_types=og.shares&fb_ref=undefined
Happy Birthday! March 13th is also my sisters birthday!
ReplyDeleteThis was probably one of my favorite blog posts so far because you were really able to tie in your thoughts of giving and your true desire to give with an approaching mile stone in your birthday. Here's the thing though, you should be able to enjoy the Polaroid camera free of guilt. I honestly believe that we also have to enjoy the little things in life to be able to give. If this camera will give you true joy, and if you really have wanted it for years than you should be able to enjoy it.
The bigger question is though, what should you do with these $50 dollars. Either you can spend it on books or maybe it could go towards a few nice (non-sodexo) dinners and maybe even a few nights out. But honestly (and I obviously don't know your grandma) if it makes you happy to donate the money, than I'm sure she would be thrilled. And more than that, it's so great that you want to donate this money. For example, I love the idea of giving away what I have, but at this point in my life I don't have much, and I'm trying to save up so I can travel abroad and really live life. So any money I donate would actually be coming from my parents. Before this semester started, my family sat down around the dining room table and decided which organizations we should donate to this year. My parents have their own organization that they have been supporting for years now but they really wanted my and my sister's opinion. Of course, I suggested we donate to Charity:Water and my sister insisted we donate to Make A Wish Foundation. This was honestly a very fulfilling moment, and I was so happy that my parents took my opinion to heart. However, it wasn't my own money that they were donating. And I think that they would have been thrilled if I had offered to throw in $50 of my money.
I understand that your parents and grandparents want you to spend the money on yourself so that you can be happy. But if your happiness derives from giving to others than I truthfully believe that you should do that. And if its any comfort at all Aristotle would say that virtue is how we derive happiness in life, and being virtuous includes being selfless and giving to others.
However, if you decide to keep the money than that is fine to. You are under no moral obligation to give it away. The link you posted at the bottom of your post was great. I smiled just thinking of the possibility of stumbling onto a letter like these. You can make a monetary difference by donating money but this is truly something special. Making someones day better just through a letter is so simple and elegant.
Also if your unsure about giving away the money, you can always invest in micro-loans. http://www.buildanest.org/nests-mission/, http://www.kiva.org/. You can make a large difference in the lives of others without spending a penny.
Have the best birthday!
Happy almost birthday Dana!
ReplyDeleteYour post brings up interesting questions. This is a very delicate balance and one that I don't know how to handle. I want nice things and should I feel guilty about that? Should I feel guilty about being privileged? For some reason I don't think that is the right direction to go in. Feeling guilty is not going to lead to progression. Can you have nice things and receive expensive gifts while at the same time be a philanthropist? I think you can. If you really want the camera then I think you should get it. But I also believe that you should engage in philanthropic activities if that will make you feel happy. Maybe there is something philanthropic you can do with the camera you receive?
There is something you can do! I looked up taking pictures for philanthropy and photo philanthropy.org came up. This is a non profit organization that use images to help nonprofits advocate for their cause to spread stories of social change. Nonprofits can use photographs to help advocate for their cause, and as the old idiom goes "a picture tells a thousand words."
I hold that life is all about balance. You should be able to enjoy nice things without feeling guilty while at the same time pursue your philanthropic interests. There is no rule that says you shouldn't receive presents because the money could better be spent else where. It is true that the money used for your presents could better be spent elsewhere but there isn't a limited amount of time or money in this world. I think humans are all a little selfish but if you recognize that trait and actively try to spread good in this world I think you would be doing a great thing. It shouldn't be a matter of one or the other, who says you cant do both? You CAN have your cake and eat it too.
I really enjoyed this post because I have been having similar thoughts as well. Ever since this semester started and I began taking this class I've become much more aware of how I spend my money. It used to never cross my mind that I should spend my money in other ways or how unfair it was that my parents give me so much and others have so little. I have even started feeling guilty in front of my friends because my parents give me money while I am in school and some of my roommates don't even have that. I felt guilty opening my own birthday money in front of my roommate. This class has made me realize that I don't need as much as I do and it is very satisfying to give away some money. I think I would be going through the same thought process as you right now.
I don't think before this class I would have donated to one of my classmates friend going through cancer or donated to the girl who unfortunately had to have her legs amputated due to a drunk driver. Like Jen did I also donated money to that cause and shared the gofundme link on my Facebook. I have similar feelings as Jen in that I wish I could do more to help.
In this specific case I think money would help the girl but what I hope everyone gains from this is not to drink and drive. Horrible things happen when you do and this incident is evidence of that. Sometimes philanthropy involves not only donating time and money but raising awareness about a cause in anyway you can.
The point I am trying to make is that this class has made me more aware of my actions and inspired me to be more philanthropic. I don't think we should feel guilty about getting presents and I think we both receive nice things and do nice things. You can have the option to get your camera and take pictures for philanthropy and I had the option to receive birthday money and use some of it to donate to a girl who had something horrible to her. Some things cant work together cohesively but I think getting gifts and simultaneously being philanthropic can.
Hi Dana,
ReplyDeleteHappy almost birthday! I have to admit, this might be my favorite blog post yet! This idea resonates with me because I often feel very guilty when thinking materialistically and about spending money on myself. To be honest, I am very excited for graduation money so I can get myself a new and improved Macbook since mine sadly is no longer functioning (so instead I have an iPad). Some of my favorite birthday and party memories are after everyone has left and doing an inventory of all the money and material items I have acquired which makes me look back with not the best feeling. I honestly do not know if my family would be happy if I gave their birthday/graduation money to a better cause but I think it's an important discussion that I really should start with my family. Since this class I have certainly been talking more about philanthropy and your post has inspired me to continue these discussions.
Hey Dana!
ReplyDeleteMuch like the other commenters, I found your blog post really relatable. I thought it was really interesting that you considered level of independence as a variable for agency in giving money away. Jen touched on this idea above, but my money really seems like my own, I mean i worked for it and I too have my own debit/credit cards that I use for daily purchases. That being said, I am fortunate enough to have the help of my family in paying for larger ticket items, like my housing and my car insurance. I know that if I wanted to donate money from my own account, I could, but I'm not sure if there is a double standard when you are still being supported.
Similarly to you, I get money from my grandmother each year, and until the last few years never really thought about the ethics of spending it. When she gives me the check, she does lose all ownership of that money. She trusts that I will use that money with good intentions. When you give money, either as a gift or donation, you need to do so with the trust that the other person will spend use it to fulfill that best interest. If that interest is stereotypically selfish or selfless is not up to judgement by the giver.